Let's...go to...the movies! (Guest blogger - Patrick)

First off – an open memo to Disney and Pixar.  I realize we need to maximize the value of those movie ticket prices with a corresponding film length…but this was really my downfall today.  I was watching 2001: A Space Odyssey last night and realize now the Intermission needs to be brought into children’s films.  (Not in the least because I think 2001 is a children’s film – we are not that avant garde as a family.  Plus, Stanley Kubrick films are creepy in the way some old men are and so I am going to steer the children clear of them until they are a bit older – again, not saying there is an age qualification for when I will feel comfortable steering my kids anywhere near creepy old men.)  Moving on…

Cars 2 released today (and with the wife traveling to visit our mountain friends) I decided to take the kids.  I felt pretty confident – we had a dry run with Kung Fu Panda 2 over Memorial Day (replete with popcorn, drinks, and candy.)  We pull up to the theatre, get the tickets and move inside to get the snacks.  I get the popcorn that looks like the tub could double as something I could plant a good sized house plant in and the giant drinks.  (I make sure to get the kids Fruit Punch because during Memorial Day Malcolm managed to suck down all the Coke in my cup and he had…an adverse response to it the rest of the day.)  We get into the theatre, find our seats, get everyone set, and check the time. 

11:55am.  The movie starts at 12:15pm. 

“All-right guys, listen.  You can have the popcorn now but save the candy(oh yeah, we got candy too) until the movie starts.”

(Oh yeah, we did not have lunch.)

12:05pm.  The kids are doing pretty good.  The popcorn is about half gone.  I start to realize the entire thing may be gone by the time the previews start.  We start to ration the drinks as well.  The kids get up and go over the giant fruit punch in the arm rest of Malcolm’s chair and take sips.  I generally have to reach over and pinch the straw off to make sure they stop drinking. 

12:13pm.  The popcorn is done.  The previews get going and I open all the candy.  The boys are sharing an M&M’s (classic) and Ceci has a box of Nerds (not as classic.) 

(From this point on I shut off my phone so I only have a sense of time based upon how far we were into the movie.)

Roughly 1/3^rd of the way through.  Boys candy is gone.  Ceci is nursing the Nerds to make them last.  Malcolm keeps grabbing the seat back in front of him and making rather loud comments about the film into the ear of the older woman in front of us who brought her own grandchildren.  (So, don’t feel too bad for her – she knew the score going into it.)  Malcolm’s comments approximate him being the play-by-play announcer for a baseball game.  Helpful, if you are listening to a radio (and baseball game) – not helpful is you just saw the scene he is now describing with a 30 second delay.  I get him to sit in my lap.  He starts to grab his crotch which (for those of you with kids know this) means he is going to have to use the bathroom.  He hasn’t asked yet.  However, I know this is coming.  (Also, I feel a little weird with him grabbing his crotch so everyone around us can clearly see what he is doing being that he is elevated because he is sitting on my lap.)  Then it hits.

           

“I have to go potty!”

The movie has worked it’s magic because he has ignored all the regular cues his body has been sending to him trying to ease him into the idea he might have to use the bathroom soon and now the hour is upon us.  (Remember, if one kids has to go, we all go.)  We all get up, step over everyone in the row, down the stairs, up the ramp, down the ramp, into the bathroom.  Mission accomplished.  Up the ramp, down the ramp, up the stairs, step across everyone in the row, everyone regains their seat. 

Roughly half of the way through.  Ceci is thirsty.  The movie is in full swing so she is not really paying attention.  She leans over and takes a big sip of my Cherry Coke.  I sense someone going for my drink (and think this is odd because I know she hates “fuzzy” drinks.)  Her cheeks puff out, her eyes fly open, and her pupils dilate.  (See, I knew she didn’t like the stuff.)  She jumps out of her chair and runs half-way down the row and then runs back.  She is frantically looking around for something, anything to deposit the soda in because she will not be swallowing it.  I can see this as she is taking two or three steps in every direction trying to figure out where you can spit something in a crowded movie theatre.

(All that follows is in hushed whisper-shouting)

“Ceci!  Ceci!  Just swallow it!  It’s Cherry Coke!  Cherry Coke!  Seriously, just….:

But I know she will not swallow it.  She is like a bomb that is going to go off on everyone around us once the fizz reaches a certain level on her tongue.  I grab the wastebasket sized popcorn bucket (see, it did come in handy) scatter the remaining kernels like I am slopping the pigs and the trough is where our feet are, and present her with it to relieve her. 

Movie has about 15 minutes left.  Malcolm grabs his crotch again.  I start to bargain with him.

            “The movie is almost done.  Just wait a few more minutes.”

But I haven’t seen this movie and loose end after loose end keeps getting tied up and he is jumping up and down crying that he has to go.  I lean over and tell the other two kids to get ready.  We will be running to the doors once the credits come on.  However, the movie just keeps going.  When will it end!  How many more characters need closure - this is animated film for crying out loud!  I can sense we might not make it.  Step over everyone in the row, down the stairs, up the ramp, down the ramp, into the bathroom. 

Coda.  As we are leaving the theatre I see (notice really, for the first time) that Ceci has put on her black ballerina skirt.  The exterior is as see through as those veils one sees women wearing on their hats when in mourning.  There is a thicker piece of fabric underneath the skirt (for modesty reasons not doubt) but it has been safely tucked into the canary yellow panties she is wearing.  Perfect. 

(Best movie I have been to in quite some time.)