Family Fun Day, or Why I Have to Get a Rabies Shot

Because of the current house repair situation at our house, I decided we needed a Family Fun Day yesterday. After some deliberation, we decided to go to Orlando. We would stop by Ikea, visit some friends, and hit the Lego store in Downtown Disney. Well, weather did not permit us to head to the Lego store, much to Henry's dismay, so we spent the evening visiting with some friends. Because of what happens next, I have agreed that I will use false names to hide their true identity.

So, after a lovely evening with Len and Regan Moyer, we decide to hit the road. It was about 8:30, and naturally the children were melting down. I take the boys out to the carport where our car was parked. I am loading them in the car, and it is quite dark because I didn't turn on the carport light. I lean in the car to buckle up Malcolm. I feel what feels like a scratch on my calf and fur against my leg and think, "Wha- is that a cat?" I look down to see a raccoon clamped to my leg. Never in a million years did I expect to see a raccoon attached to my leg. I scream and start shaking my leg. Both driver side doors are open, and the raccoon attempts several times to climb in the back one. I am screaming, "No! No! Get out of here!" (Or maybe I am just screaming. I don't really know.) while simultaneously trying to climb on the roof of the car and shut the doors. I accomplish this goal only to see the raccoon attempting to scale the wheel in order to join me on the roof, staring STRAIGHT INTO MY EYES the entire time. Have you ever been stared down by a raccoon? I am still screaming and wondering where the hell all the people in the house are. Have they not heard me? No. I look in the front windows for a brief second, afraid to take my eyes off old Rocky down there, to see them talking. I scream, "PATRICK!" (because, really, it could have been anyone out screaming in the carport) I then see him move very fast to the door. He comes out, and the raccoon disappears, but only for a moment. He says," What's wrong?" to his wife who is sitting on the roof of the car (good thing we don't have a minivan). As he ushers me in the house, I tell him about the visitor, not that I have to because the visitor is back in no time. Patrick goes to open the door to get the raccoon out of there. The raccoon has other ideas. He charges the door. Yes, the door to the house. He was after me. Still staring straight at me. Patrick says, "Do you have a baseball bat?" to Len. Len produces a large metal bat, and Patrick charges out the door. A scene from "The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly" ensues. Len is kinda walking back and forth to the laundry room saying, "Flashlight, where's the flashlight? Here. Wait, I need a weapon." He charges out the door with a one wood and a mag light, and he and Patrick proceed to search for the raccoon who had now vanished. Meanwhile, I am alternately hollering at Henry & Malcolm to stay in the car (I am terrified Malcolm is going to open the door) and examining the two small puncture wounds on my leg. If I looked hard enough, I could actually see the mouth print. Or maybe I imagined it.

They never did find our raccoon friend, and Regan was understandably beside herself as she has two small children and is now afraid to leave the house lest the raccoon mistake her for me, which, although unlikely, I would not rule out entirely. Also, they are supposed to have 25 people over tonight, and a rabid raccoon is not exactly what you are looking for as a hostess.

I hesitate to say I was attacked because I came out relatively unscathed, so let's just say I got into a tussle with a raccoon and will now spend the day in the ER waiting on my vaccine. I tried the Health Department, but they are out. Of course.

Last night, after we got home, Henry is having a glass of water, and I hear him say to Patrick, "This was not really a Family Fun Day." I believe Patrick said, "Well... it was an adventure."